When Things Don't Go To Plan.

Thursday, 5 April 2018


You learn pretty quickly that when you have a baby, there isn’t really a plan. There is the way you’d ideally like your day to go. Then there is your realistic expectation of what could happen. And then there is the worst case scenario. The fun part is, you have no idea which way it’s gonna swing, what you’re going to end up with that day. You’ll be pretty confident in how your baby works, how long they’re sleeping, when they sleep. You’ll feel like you know them quite well so plan an outing around that, feeling like it’s going to go swimmingly. Ha! Did you tell your babe that? For some reason, your wee angel has turned into an inconsolable, screaming thing that won’t settle and your plans are shot. I mean, you could still go. But going out with a baby is stressful enough in the best conditions. Add a full set of lungs that are ready to be used, not a great time. 

The trick is, to set low expectations. Not just with your baby, but let your friends and family have them of you too. At the beginning, we kinda said yes to everything (pre baby) thinking we’d be fine. We were wrong. Earlier in the year, Rob’s family had a weekend camp where they were all spending time together, doing activities and staying overnight. We knew we wouldn’t be staying but had planned to spend two full days out there (driving there and back each day) with our four week old baby (yep, we obviously had no idea what we were doing). The camp rolled around and all I could feel was dread. He was so little. There were so many people. All the kids! And they just want to touch and play with him but I can hear their sniffles and coughs. I’d be hanging out with loads of mums who I know will be watching what I’m doing and I still don’t know myself! I’ll have to feed in public meaning getting my boob out in front of everyone and trying to play the “will he latch” game that I haven’t quite got the hang of yet. What seemed like a fun idea was turning into a nightmare and suddenly, all I felt was dread and anxiety when I thought about spending two full days away from home. 

Rob and I butted heads over it. And I get it. You don’t want to feel like you’re missing out and you also don’t want to feel like your baby is getting in the way of your life. But. Reality check. You will miss out and your baby will “get in the way.” That’s what they do. They’re demanding, require constant attention and need you to help them meet their needs. It’s not their fault. That’s just what being a baby is all about. It definitely takes some adjusting too but once you set the score and let friends and family know too, the pressure is off. 

Of course it’s hard to admit that you haven’t got it sorted. That your baby is being difficult. But that’s just how life is and the sooner you accept that, the easier it is to do what’s best for you. Even if it’s not what you planned. And when people expect the bare minimum of you, you can say no without fear that people think you’re being rude. You don’t have to make excuses for your messy house because they’re aware that you have a baby who doesn’t lend much opportunity to getting your household in check. Friends will understand when you have to cancel lunch because your baby won’t stop crying. Family will get it when you turn up an hour late as you wanted to let your baby sleep. People get it when they turn up and you are still in yesterday’s clothes with baby vom and food stains. Because you’ve let them know that this is just how it is. 

I’m still struggling to come to terms with it myself though. To let go of the idea of plans that must be stuck to. To understand that some nights he’ll be up all night and I need to sleep where I can instead of get up to work/clean because I’m going to burn out otherwise. To be honest with my clients about deadlines so I don’t feel so pressured and stressed when things don’t go to plan and I can’t get anything done. To get rid of this “supermum” vision I have of myself and just be honest and say, actually, today is just one of those days where I’m going to do nothing. That today has gone nothing like I planned and that’s okay. Because you know what? I still got cuddles. I still was treated to little smiles and giggles. I may not have showered and still be wearing my PJs but me and my boy got through another day and tomorrow is a new one. Hopefully one that is a little more “normal” but then again, what even is that? 

PS. This blog was written while I was on the toilet at 5.37am after being up at 11.30 (after a 9pm sleeptime), 12-1(feed and two cot attempts before admitting defeat and putting him bed with us), 2.30 (him waking me up by kicking me in the back), 3.30 (feed) and 4.30 (him wriggling around like crazy until he finally released a whole series of farts and a giant poo). I have a shit tonne of work to do but once I’m done here, I’m crawling back into bed for cuddles and some much needed sleep. Not how I planned today to go at all.

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