Finding Time for Me.

Saturday, 28 April 2018



So lately, there's been a lot of talk around self-care online. That it's important. That we need it. And I think that often, it falls to the bottom of the "to-do" list. Especially as a Mum. There's no time for lengthy baths or money for luxurious facials when dishes need to be done and nappies need to be bought. We only manage to find enough minutes in the day to have a shower, let alone snuggle up with a good book so we can escape for reality for a bit.

My counsellor, for the first time, suggested a direction we take during our sessions. Oh yeah! In case you missed it, I'm seeing a counsellor. I was a little worried about how I was feeling about Jackson and motherhood in general and I was starting to reflect a bit on my past and even present and realised that there might actually be a reason (or two) as to why I was holding back. I'm not one to just sit around and wait for things to happen so I booked in and she's been great. Really. She just has a way of understanding and summing up how I'm feeling. A lot of the time she is saying things I know but it's just really reassuring to hear a professional (and someone who is no way bias towards your situation) validate your thoughts. And after sharing the things I've been through she said she could totally understand why I feel the way I do which lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. 

So yeah. Counselling. That's happening. Anyway, on Thursday I mentioned that Rob and I had been talking about Baby Key #2 and that I really wasn't sure whether it was something I wanted. I know we don't have a huge rush (I mean, there is the IVF side of things and that might not be as successful the second time and we've also both wanted a smallish age gap, like 18 months - 2 years so that means I'd be pregnant at the end of the year omfgwtf) but it's been playing on my mind a lot. Mostly because I know that Rob has always wanted at least two. And I did too really until I actually became a Mum and realised what it all entails and how hugely my life specifically has been effected. Not in a bad way. Just in a different way. So I brought it up with my counsellor and she said she's hearing a lot of "what Rob wants" but not much of "what I want." Which made me think, how often do I put myself first?

The answer, not that often. Between attempting to keep the house tidy, paying the bills, doing the groceries, looking after a baby, trying to run my own business, managing a second passion project, spending time with my husband, having a social life, visiting my unwell mum and gran who both are quite emotionally dependent on me, running errands for them too, dealing with unwanted texts from my brother, spending time with the in-laws, there isn't a lot of time for me. At the moment the only time I do have "me time" is if I get up between 4-5 am and sacrifice sleep just so I can have breakfast in peace and maybe catch up on some youtube. But a lot of the time I end up doing the dishes, putting away laundry and then the txt comes from Rob saying that Jackson's awake. And Kate time is over.

Then, to think of throwing another baby into the midst of that is nuts. Ridiculous. I don't even want to think about it. See, a lot of people might think you're selfish for not wanting another baby, for not giving your child a sibling. And maybe it is. But I don't think there's anything wrong with that? You really have to think about how capable you are, the kind of lifestyle you want and whether kids can fit into that or not. You have to realise that life won't really get back to what it was like before kids for awhile and in fact, it might never happen. You've gotta be okay with it too. But anyway, this post isn't about that. Although obviously it's been playing on my mind a lot because it seems to be the first topic I bring up with anyone. I suppose it's a bit of a controversial subject, having an only child, and I'm always interested to hearing what people think. So if you are one or are just planning on having one, let me know how you've found it! 

Right. Where were we? Oh yeah. Putting yourself first. As a Mum. Kate, you're dreaming. Surely? Because where do you find the time to do that? To prioritise you. Jackson is exclusively breastfed and hardly takes the bottle so time alone is rare. Luckily I have a wonderful husband who has a great knack for putting him to sleep so there are times when I manage an hour or two away. But I'm not sure I'm really using that time very wisely. And I also need to figure out what self-care means to me. Often, I end up in front of my computer designing or blogging. Being creative is my outlet but it's also my job so I feel like spending time behind a screen isn't really the best form of self care for me. I'm not particularly into pampering myself (expensive hair cuts, manis/pedis and facials aren't my thing) and I always overheat in the bath. I also find that when I do have hands-free time it's usually spent doing housework or the groceries. Maybe I need to do less? Like, take less on? But I have responsibilities and people that rely on me so I'm not sure how I would do that. 

I don't have the answers. Perhaps we could ask Hermione if we can borrow her time turner? I have found one thing that is better than therapy though. One thing that I've just started that I was super dubious about but has quickly become the highlight of my week. Now, don't laugh... It's called Kanga Training. Yep. I know. I felt the same when I first heard about it. Basically, it's an hour long exercise class where you dance around a bit and get sweaty with your baby in a front pack. Like a kangaroo! Get it? Of course you do. I've been for the last two weeks and the effect it had on me was amazing. Rob even said he thinks I'm getting more out of the classes than I am from the counselling (plus it's a lot cheaper). I used to dance when I was younger so for me, it's revisiting that, spending time with a baby who has a 100% track record of falling asleep in the front pack, hanging out with other mums and getting my sweat on. Like actually, what's not to like? And I truly felt like a new person after. Finally, I found something for me. That involved Jackson but still focused on my needs. That we could do together without me stressing about him being fussy or not settling. It's a 10min drive from my house so it's not long enough for any car melt downs, you don't even have to wear shoes, you get to rock out to Vengaboys and you can just go at your own pace.

How I felt afterwards was incredible. Truly. And for the first time in the last four months, I felt like myself again. I was doing something for me, without feeling guilty that I wasn't spending enough time with Jackson. Something where I put myself first but that included my baby too. That kinda just ticked all the boxes of what I need for self care. It made me realise too, it's possible. It's possible to do things for you and have a baby. You can prioritise yourself, even if it's just for a couple of hours a week. And you should. Even if you're a solo parent, take up neighbours or friends who offer to watch your baby for an hour. Find activities that interest you that you can also do with your baby. Instead of allowing being a Mum stop you from doing the things you want, confront it face on and find a way around it. Babies are resilient and not as fragile as we think. And man, what a difference it will make to your journey as a Mum too.

I read something this week and it said, "Happy Mum, Happy Child." Have you heard of anything truer? If us Mums don't look after ourselves and meet our needs, we're grumpy. We're shitty, we're unhappy and we're resentful. And I think our kids will pick up on that. So for our sakes, and for our wee babes, we need to look after ourselves as well as we can. Because not only do we benefit from it, they do too. And I'm sure our partners won't complain about coming home to a couple of smiley faces either.

PS. If you enjoy a bit of a dancey workout (it's kinda like zumba I guess, although less booty shaking) then I 100% recommend you check out Kanga Training and see if there are classes in your area. So good.

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