Please Bear With Me While I Try & Figure It Out.

Monday, 5 March 2018

Jackson, I'm sorry that I keep forgetting. You're so new to this world, and sometimes I expect too much from you. I get frustrated that you won't sleep, forgetting that you are being so exposed and overstimulated by everything around - it's no wonder you don't want to. Sometimes I want you to fit into this mould of how I think you should be, but I forget that for you, there is no routine. There is no mould. No normal. You're just following your instincts to survive, and instead of embracing that, doing my best to help you along and being understanding when things don't go to plan, I wish you'd behave differently. That you would be easier. 

I've started working again, and it's hard not to resent the fact that you're stopping me from getting work done. That when I'm counting on doing work, you wake up early or take ages to settle. I'm stuck between my old life, where I was selfish and spontaneous. Where I could just do what I wanted without worrying too much how it was going to effect anyone else. And now I have this new life. You are my life. I am at your beck and call 24/7, to feed you.. To change you. To comfort you. I knew what I was getting myself into but I didn't anticipate how hard it would be for me to work and  Mum. And the thing is, I still need to work. But I don't know how to do both.

Being in a creative career, inspiration comes and goes. Often I'll be facing a block for days, but then inspiration can hit all of a sudden and I need to sit down for a couple of hours and just let loose. There are also deadlines that need to be decided and met, and I find it so hard to be able to give a straight answer when I don't know what lies ahead for the week. Fast turn arounds and spending hours at the computer are a thing of the past. Because you need me. Not just want.. Need.

I don't really like where my head is at. I'm stressed. And overwhelmed. I'm waking up at 5am (sometimes even 4am) and sacrificing sleep just so I can get some work done. And financially, I know that I need to be working. Without the small income I do bring in, bills won't be paid and bellies might not be filled. But I also just want to Mum. I want to be the housewife. To take care of the housework, make sure our fridge is full. Plan meals and actually cook them. Spend time with you, without having to worry about deadlines and when I'm going to finally sit down at my laptop to get shit done. I want to enjoy my time with you instead of thinking about everything else that needs doing.

Your Nana has been coming to help, and I know you love your time with her because I can hear you both laughing and talking when I'm in my office. I still haven't come to terms with it. I still feel like I'm failing you. I didn't have a baby so I could sit in an office and listen to someone else look after you. But I don't know how else to make it work? Every day, I can feel myself getting more and more exhausted because I'm not catching up on sleep and I'm not getting a break. And I've always felt so self sufficient so when I ask for help, I feel more like I'm a failure. That I should be able to do it alone and admitting defeat. 

But I have come to realise that I actually missed being creative. And missed working. That when I get into my groove, I don't want to come out and play with you because I just love being able to work with people and create something they love. It's always been my passion. And almost a form of self care. It's my time where I just zone out and maybe, as you get older and more independent, we'll be able to find a balance. Where you're happy to play while I work from the couch. Or you play at my feet while I get things done in the office. I hope so.

I just want you to know that I'm working on it. And I'm working for you. So that you are provided for, but also so that you know it's okay to do things for yourself that you love. That just because I'm sacrificing time with you doesn't mean I don't love you. That I don't want to be with you. It just means that I have look after myself and make sure I stay true to my own passion. We'll figure it out. A way for me to have both. But for now, just know that I'm trying not to resent you. I'm trying to appreciate that having help doesn't mean I'm not doing enough for you. I'm trying to remind myself that it's a good lesson to teach you, that it's important for you to see me follow my dreams so that hopefully you'll feel confident to follow yours.

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