A Threeish Month Update.

Thursday, 22 March 2018




My goodness. Three months with Jackson have come and gone and we're starting to hit the crazy developmental stage. The stage where they go from being this fragile little bundle and start turning into someone with more personality, more tricks, who is making more obvious discoveries and developing everyday. 

Hindsight is a funny thing. Throughout the pregnancy I was constantly worried I was doing something that might end up harming him in the long run. During the birth, it was long and a bit awful and I was adamant I'd never do it again. That first month of Jackson was such an uncertain time. Breastfeeding hurt and I questioned having a baby nearly every day, wondering if I was going to be able to handle it and whether I thought it was a good idea at all. I felt like I couldn't do anything right, that I wasn't holding him properly, worried that he wouldn't like me and struggled with the fact that I didn't love this baby at all. And I don't mean that I hated him or didn't want him to exist, but I couldn't connect with him past the fact that I was looking after him.

Other mums told me just wait it out, just get to 4 weeks and breastfeeding will be easier. Get to 6 weeks and you'll start getting into the swing of things and feeling more comfortable. At the time, it was so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just couldn't see things getting better and didn't know if I could manage in the mean time. Well here we are. Threeish months later. And we're all doing fine! We've made it through poonamis, car melt downs, breastfeeding and changing nappies on the side of the road, a 4 hour drive to Tauranga, one round of immunisations and multiple visits out of the house. There's been times where he won't sleep, where he wants extra comfort, where the pram has had to come out a couple of times in a day just to help him (and mum) out a bit. And it's been okay. I mean, it hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been the worst.

Jackson is in the 99.6th percentile for height, weight and head circumference so I'm obviously doing something right. And the breastfeeding is SO much easier. He seems to be an average sleeper, he doesn't fuss too much (except the poor little guy is teething), gives us the biggest smiles and he will not stop talking. Seriously, baby chat is the bloody cutest! He's now wearing 6-12 month onesies, sleeping in his cot and we're looking at car seats in the weekend because he's outgrown his capsule. He's a big boy after all! We're hoping he's going to take after his Dad but who knows. There's still so much growing and changing to come.

It's not just Jackson who has changed over the last threeish months either, it's me too. I can't say that it's become easier, but there is definitely an ease about it. Yes, I still worry too much and end up on google when I'm a little unsure about things. But I've definitely relaxed a bit. I'm slowly learning to be more confident in myself, and to back what I'm doing as a mum. You come to learn that there is a pretty huge range of what's "normal" for a baby and most of the time, your baby fits in it. Which means that it's okay that your parenting is completely different to someone else's. When I ask myself if things are going okay I just go through my little checklist. Is Jackson happy? Yes. Am I happy? Sure am! How about Rob? Looks like it. Well then, seems like we're doing okay.

One thing I'm waiting for is that huge rush of love. That feeling like my life is complete, that my heart is totally full of a love that I've never felt before. That Jackson has completed me in a way that I never thought was possible. Because that's what's meant to happen right? Apparently. I mean, I definitely love him, and I do LIKE him a lot. When I get a smile or giggle, when he can't take his eyes off me or when he lights up as I walk back into the room, I know we have something special. But I'm still just not quite there. I don't know if I'm holding back because I'm still worried that once he's more aware, he won't like me. That I won't like him. That our personalities will clash. But I'm being patient because I'm sure it will come. I just think about how long it took for me to fall in love with Theo (our cat) and while it's a little different, it kind of isn't.

To be honest, I still don't think it's sunk in that we have a baby (ha!) There are times when I catch myself going "holy shit, that's a baby and it's my baby and I grew it for 9 months in me and then birthed it and now it's mine and holy shit that's my baby." Between the lack of sleep, the 24/7ness of being a parent and the lack of independence on my part, I think the days can all merge together and you don't really get much time to absorb things or reflect. Which might be why it still feels a little surreal to me. But hey, it's early days. I have learned to not be so hard on myself. Three months ago I had never held a baby, was scared shitless of even being near one and look at me now. I've learned and been exposed to so much and I think mostly, I've taken it in my stride. There a days where I wanted to give up, where I honestly thought I couldn't carry on any more but I didn't. I breathed. Re-centered. Had a cuddle with Rob. And moved on.

And that's probably the biggest take away from the last three months. No two days are the same in the world of being a parent. Things are constantly changing and you just have to learn to go with it as much as you can. Right now, your baby is acting purely on instinct - to survive. So they kinda know what they're doing and we just need to learn to try and understand their signals and provide what they need as best as they can. And honestly, it's easier than it sounds once you become a bit more flexible and easy going. But hey, check in with me in a couple of months (after that dreaded four month regression I've been hearing so much about) and we'll see if I'm singing a different tune. I guarantee I will be.

2 comments

  1. I love this. You are so honest which is refreshing! My 2nd is one week older than your wee boy. Looking back things have gotten a lot better and days flow rather than being at a standstill. The “you complete me” feeling will come, you’ve known this person for 3 months and they are only just starting to develop a personality... be kind to yourself and good things take time. You are doing a great job mamma keep it up! Arohanui xx

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    1. Oh thank you so much!! I think it's so important to be honest about it otherwise you're just pretending and motherhood is hard enough without trying to be someone that you're not! You're so right, and each phase is different and brings new feelings/experiences so we just have to be patient and work through them as they come xxx

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