Two Months With You.

Sunday, 11 February 2018

Well Master Key, you're two months now. And I didn't believe them when they said it would go fast, but they were right! I actually can't even remember those first couple of weeks, and I would've thought they'd be etched into my brain because I really struggled. Like, a lot. 

My nipples were so fricken sore, I was crying nightly because I felt like a shit mum and really was regretting everything, and you felt like a wee stranger in my arms whenever I held you. I was adamant that I wouldn't ever have another baby because motherhood didn't seem like it was going to be for me. Of course you were cute, and sweet. But you were also crying, wouldn't do what I wanted you to do and the lack of sleep was really getting to me (plus the realisation that it was going to be a long time before I got that sleep back too).

Of course, this was all normal baby stuff - I just didn't realise how mentally effected I was going to be by it all. But you know? I grew. As you grew, I changed and I realised that this is just what life is like with a baby. You cry. You poo. Sometimes you're easy to get to sleep, other times it takes ages and you'll only sleep in my arms. But where I was frustrated before, now I enjoy it. I like that you seek me for comfort, that when you're being held by someone else you patiently indulge them, all the while keeping your eyes on me. I can appreciate that the reason why you're fussy at times is because you're going through massive changes, both physically and mentally.

You've taught me so much in two months. You've taught me how to patient, to trust my instincts and to just go with the flow a bit more. For someone who has always been one for routines, who's anxiety usually flares up when there is none, you've really helped me to just let go. To enjoy the moments. To be okay with late breakfasts, broken sleep and to find the joy in the little things. Like smiles. And when you make your sweet little sounds because you want to have a chat. Like watching you discover your body and what it can do.

I'm getting there Jackson. The more you grow and become your own little person, the more my heart opens for you. You're worming your way in there and I can feel the love more and more, every time I look at you. I had no idea what motherhood would look like me and honestly, at the beginning I wasn't stoked. I really didn't think it was going to be for me. But you know, you're starting to win me over. You bring out the best (and sometimes worst) in me and you constantly challenge me, but mostly - you've taught me what it is to truly put someone else's wants and needs before my own and to find joy in that. Because I.. I really do love you. Happy two months. 

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