I'm More Than Just A Meal, Right?

Monday, 5 February 2018

Lately, I've been having these weird kind of epiphanies. Moments of self discovery. I think it's because becoming a parent really makes you look at yourself and your upbringing, and you can end up analysing yourself so you know what you want to pass onto your little one, and what you don't. I've been wondering why I'm finding it a bit hard to bond with Jackson, why it all still feels a little surreal and I think I've figured it out.

I remember in primary school, sitting in a circle with my classmates and we all had to go around and say something nice about everyone, or thank them for something. Compliments like "you're so cool," "I like your jokes," and "you're super smart" were the kind of things that were being thrown around. And then it got to me. "Thank you for helping me with my homework" and "you always help me when I need you." Nothing about my personality. Just, thank you for being useful. Which hey, I'm glad I can help but surely there's more to me than just what I can do for others right?

Thinking about it, I do feel like it's shaped who I am now. I'm always quick to put my hand up, to offer help, even if it's inconvenient because I kinda feel like that's all I have to offer. I don't want them to find someone else to replace me, to help them, because once they do, they might not need me anymore. And I see it most in my career. "Oh hey Kate, how are you?" "Ahhh haven't spoken to you in ages! I'm great, how are you going?" "Pretty good! Hey, I was wondering.. If you just had a minute would you mind..." 


(Also, it never just takes a minute. Ever).

Look, it's nice to get called on. And I really do enjoying helping people out. It's nice to know that people appreciate my skills enough to ask for help. That they want me to do things for me because of the way I do it, or to the standard I follow. That I'm reliable and that they can truly depend on me. That they trust me to get the job done. But when it feels like that's all there is to the relationship, it's pretty shit.

Which is where Jackson comes in. See at the moment, I'm his favourite person. I'm the one he cries for. I'm the one he smiles at most. But, I'm also his food source. Without me, he doesn't eat. And I'm a little scared as to what happens when the milk is gone. When we don't have that physical connection anymore. When he's aware enough of people's personalities and decides who he likes and doesn't like. What happens when I'm more than just a meal - is he going to like me? Will he still settle with me, above anyone else? Will he still give me the biggest smiles, despite the fact that I no longer breastfeed him? 

I know I need to back myself. And I reckon that I'm a pretty rad person. But after years and years of kinda just viewing my worth based on what I can do for others, it leaves me feeling a little unsure of who I am. Who I am when I'm not helping out. So perhaps it's time to stop saying yes so eagerly, to allow myself to not be so depended on and to reassure myself that I am more than a meal. More than someone who always says yes. If anything, it's probably just a good way to weed out the people who are in my life, not because they genuinely enjoy me but because of what I can do for them.

And when it comes to Jackson... Well, only time will tell. It's definitely not going to happen if I don't give myself fully to him which means no more holding back on my part. I think it's time to just jump right in and fall head over heels in love with this little guy (and honestly, I'm halfway there). To see our bond as more than a physical "I have your milk" kinda thing, and as a mother and son. To do that, I'm going to back myself and KNOW that I have more to offer. It's truly such an important lesson, for me and for him. I want him to know his worth, and to do that, I have to know mine.

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