Before I Met Rob.

Sunday, 25 February 2018


I’m still not sure how I feel about 2010 and early 2011. I do know that I'm glad I have the memories ( it was a crazy fun time) and there will be no regret that I didn't make the most of the first few years out of high school. You know, the years where you've left school, you're studying or working and you're discovering the big bad world. 

Weekends were full of alcohol and new phone numbers. Temporary BFFs and 3am Burger King stops. I have no idea how I managed to afford it (it might have something to do with the $7 bottles of wine and refusing to go anywhere with a door charge) but somehow, I was out every weekend. Sometimes just the Saturday night. Other weekends it was Friday AND Saturday. And the occasional Thursday, Friday and Saturday night (holy crap, just thinking about that makes me want to crawl back in bed). But that's what I lived for. 

Honestly, I just loved the attention. I was such an extrovert so I really thrived when I was out, meeting new people, dancing the night away. A successful night was one that ended with a kiss and a couple of new numbers on my phone. Like seriously, I was almost sad if I came home without one of each. I guess, throughout school I'd never had a boyfriend, never really had a love interest.. Not even a kiss. I was completely "untouched" and just so ready to experience this whole other world. So I jumped in all guns blazing. Threw all my inhibitions to the wind and just went for it. 

Which basically lead to a year of glandular fever. HA! No really. I had this weird sore throat and croaky voice for a whole year and finally went to the doctor where they sent me away for blood tests, the result being I was a carrier of glandular fever. Ew. It must've been super mild or something because I was never SICK, just croaky. Anyway, this phase kind of went on for about a year and like I say.. I had fun. I did genuinely enjoy it. Do I wish that I'd backed myself a bit more and not thrown myself at every guy that looked my way? Yes. Do I wish that I'd held back a bit and enjoyed my time with my friends, rather than looking for someone new for the night? Yeah, I do. 

After about a year of this, things slowed down a bit, mostly because I'd realised that from my first kiss (which ended up being with a girl) to finding photos of me hooking up with guys on my friends phone, this wasn't the life for me. I was burnt out. I was sick of it. I wanted something real, with someone that I actually liked. Cue my first ever boyfriend who was a total douche bag who just wanted one thing - and who got said thing. So much for finding some thing real with someone I liked huh? I lost my virginity to a dickhead who cared more about trying to put it in my bum than he did my feelings. And honestly, I knew he was shit. I don't know why I agreed to go out with him, I hated every minute. We only lasted a month (thank god and thank you friends who talked some sense to me) but I had lost my virginity to someone who really didn't care about me at all. 

And then, my life changed. I met Rob. After the second date, I told my Mum that if I accidentally got pregnant to him, I wouldn't even care because he was amazing and oh my god my life was amazing. What. A. Psycho. I had fallen for him hard, and luckily it seemed like he felt the same way. I realised that all those little crushes I had at high school weren't anything like this. I'd met someone who got me, despite us coming from very different backgrounds. Who loved sports and wanted to keep up with the latest trends, even though I was a creative through and through and didn't own one piece of branded clothing. Who was always spending time with his family of 90 while I had a small one of 5. Who knew that I was a dorky/wannabe indie kid who wouldn't stop talking but liked me regardless.

Initially, I was ashamed of my past. I feel like I had done stuff that made me less of a person for when I met Rob. I wished I hadn't lost my virginity. That I could have had my first time with him. I wished that I didn't need to be embarrassed everyone talked about "old Kate" and the things we did in town or at parties. I wanted to completely wipe the memory of that first "boyfriend."  I wanted to be my best for him, but I realise now that maybe I needed to do those things and have those memories so that when I finally met him - I'd be done. I'd be ready. I'd feel like I'd experienced enough so that I could give my full self to him without wondering what could've been. And let's be honest, I had obviously awakened sexually and WANTED to experience these things. Which is something I shouldn't be ashamed of. 

So anyway, at 19, I'd met the love of my life. The guy who would see me through the shittiest times. He decided to take a chance on me, despite us not really sounding like we'd work out on paper. And he was patient with me too. I made a lot of mistakes at the beginning and found it hard to transition from being this carefree single chick to someone in their first real relationship, but he let me figure it out.

He was there for me during the hardest part of my life. It’s crazy to think that the worst part was also the best, mostly because I had him. He held my hand when we found out that we might not be able to have kids. And through the years of waiting to hopefully have a baby through IVF. He could've left. I asked him over and over if he was sure he wanted to stay because I needed him to know that I understood. He'd come into my world that was all over the place, and being turned upside down constantly. I'm sure it wasn't really what he'd pictured when he imagined his future so I wouldn't have blamed him if he'd wanted out.

Luckily for me, he stayed. We had enough time together, without too much drama, to form a solid foundation that would stay strong throughout all the shit that was thrown at us. I know that I would've made it through alone, that I could've managed - but I'm glad I didn't have to. He's been my shoulder to cry on, my rock to lean on and the clown that keeps a smile on my face no matter what. Yeah, he's not perfect. He could do the dishes more and stop playing that stupid bloody Fortnite game (can I get an AMEN?!) but he's perfect for me. And I think, without the crazy, loose times, I wouldn't have appreciated him as much. I wouldn't know that, actually, this is what love is and this is what I want. So yeah.. While I wish I had lived those first years out of high school a little differently, ultimately I'm thankful that they gave me the confidence and experience (even sexually) to know that I was ready for a real love with Rob.

To be honest, I don't really know what this post is. I was just thinking about the whole IVF journey and how lucky I was to have a partner who not only understood, but stayed with me regardless of the fact that we might not have been successful. And it got me looking back at our whole relationship, and before that, to see how far I've come as a person. Also, I've realised that I need to enjoy the memories (regardless of how cringeworthy they were) and see them for what they were... An 18-19 year old who was discovering herself, her sexuality and ultimately just living life how she wanted to at the time. And there's nothing wrong with that.

2 comments

  1. Kate, this is really inspiring. I’m so in awe of you being able to be so open about your past. (I’m extremely ashamed at times of my wild days and undiagnosed bipolar flying free.)

    I’m so glad you have your love with Rob, and that you recognise that yes, you could have done this without him... but im also glad that you didn’t want to, and don’t have to.

    You’re fantastic and Rob is as lucky to have you, as you are, him, by the sounds of it. Thanks for sharing.

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    Replies
    1. Oh thank you Ebony! I definitely think the whole acceptance thing comes with time and I'm just trying to let a lot of things go, especially now that I'm a Mum. I'm not quite there yet, but writing about it and starting the discussion definitely helps. It also makes you realise that a lot of people have done the same and it's actually just a part of life. You can't learn and grow without first experiencing things (even if maybe you wished you'd experienced things in a different way haha). You're so sweet - I hope Rob thinks so too! Thanks for popping by! x

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