I Want To Say I Can Do It All.

Monday, 29 January 2018


I really want to say that I have it sorted. That I'm on top of things. That I know what I'm doing. That my life is back to normal and Jackson has fit in beautifully. But the truth is, I'm far from it. 

Seven weeks ago, a little miracle baby popped (ha!) into our world and turned it upside down in the best way. He's disrupted our sleep, caused havoc on my body and made our electricity and water bill go way up but he's also taught us patience, that we are resilient and what it truly means to put someone else's needs above our own. 

He's forever changing and developing, and so are we along with him. There are days when he's feeding non stop in preparation for a growth spurt, where I'm stuck to the couch and looking helplessly at the mess around me, knowing I can't do anything about it. Feeding him is still a bit of a mission, just because he's so big and so are my boobs - it's a two handed job which means text messages and emails go unread and without replies. Sometimes he just wants to cuddle and won't settle anywhere apart from my lap, so the dishes go unwashed and the laundry piles up.

I know that honestly, I don't have the time or the energy for anything else. That I need the precious time I have to myself to rest, to eat, to shower - to do things that make me feel more like myself. But I'm finding it hard to admit that I can't do it all. When people come over, I want the house to be clean and tidy so they can see I'm managing. I want to sit down and plan our meals for the week, and then prep them so our bodies are nourished with good, whole foods. I wish I could say that every morning, I bundle Jackson up and go out for a walk. That I'm half way through the 30 Days of Yoga challenge and loving every second. That my eyebrows are plucked and legs are waxed, nails did etc. That I'm ready to jump back into work on Feb 1st like I had originally planned.

But I'm really not. Mentally and physically, I don't think I can take on anything else apart from looking after Jackson. No matter how much I wish I could, how much I wish I could prove to everyone that I'm a super mum and have my life sorted - I honestly can't. 

The truth is, becoming a parent is something you can never prepare for. Everything you imagine it to be, it's more. It's harder. It's better. And you have to take the time to accept and adapt, without pressuring yourself to meet this idea of what you think it's about. Or what you had planned it to be like before your babe was earth side. So I'm going to eat the chocolate instead of the carrot sticks. Have a nap instead of doing the dishes. I'm going to give my body time to heal and not worry that I'm not getting out to exercise as much as I like. My time will come where I'll find the balance, and I'll find the motivation/energy/time to do the things I want to do. But until then, I'm going to enjoy my little man and the little time I find for myself - and to spend with Rob too. 

Just remember that no one is expecting you to able to do it all, in fact they think you're crazy to even try so just embrace the slow. So give in. Let go. Allow yourself this time because you never get it back.


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